Alaska is a video game and Nancy is the top scorer. Like Aaron said today, Nancy might just win the trifecta, and no one wins the trifecta, even if they subscribe to the Nintendo magazine with all the hints.
*Just taking a moment to recognize the obvious: my cache of extended metaphors that includes video games is limited to Duck Hunt, Zelda, Tetris, and Mario Brothers, and since the latter had mushrooms, I thought it the best choice.
Before we get to the trifecta, we have to discuss weaponry, lives, and bonus points.
In a first life, Nancy had the handsome, Thoreauesque son.
In a subsequent life, the handsome son met the smiley daughter-in-law and had the really cute baby.
They moved to Alaska where Nancy came to visit and beat all the odds. Like all video games from the eighties, this one begins with level one.
Level One: Climb a Modest Mountain and Endure Giant Alaskan Bug Bites.
Bonus Points: Smile for a Photo at the End Even Though You’re Really Itchy
Level Two: Walk Along a Pretty Creek and Avoid the Temptation of Swimming In Its Green Ripples.
Good Job, Nancy! You’re doing great.
Level Three: Dare to Face Exit Glacier and Its Roaring, Icy, Glacial Winds
Bonus Points: Find Pink Flowers that Can Grow Out of Ice and Rock
Level Four: Take the Crying Granddaughter Out of the Restaurant to Smell Flowers
Good job comforting the baby and getting up early to go fishing. You win a moose!
Level Five: Take Your Daughter-in-Law’s Yoga Class.
Bonus Points: Perform a Very Good-Looking Cobra
Level Six: Dress a Baby in PJ’s and Ignore Those Rascally Dogs in the Background
Bonus Point: Apply Those PJs in Such a Way as to Preclude Any Additional Bellybutton Canoodling
Level Seven: Keep that Baby Entertained At Least Three Pages Into “Red Fish, Blue Fish”
Level Eight: Get that Baby a Cute Hat and Make Sure She Keeps It On
You are now ready for the trifecta.
Part I: You will see a grizzly bear with her two cubs and live to tell about it!
Part II: An enormous humpback whale will breach before your very eyes!
Part III: You will catch a salmon . . .
The trifecta is almost yours.